Forever emotional...

I thought i would write explaining how much of an emotional person i am. By emotional i mean i cry when i am happy or grateful A LOT! I always have done. Even more so recently because my health has deteriorated more. I have always been a believer in crying is a good way to cleanse the soul. My own words "Im getting my greets oot" not great grammer i know but it helps when i or someone else is crying!
     When people cry they often apologize or get embarrassed...they shouldnt. Crying is amazing its lets us know we are alive, it lets us know we have feelings it lets us know we CARE! If a family or friend begins to cry infront of me straight away i say "Its awrite let your greets oot! Let aw your greets oot!" It hurts to hold them in its not always the letting them out that hurts its right at that point where your bottom lip goes, your swallow, your throat shudders thats the awful hard part but the crying is easy and actually feels ok.

Lately i have been crying over happy things, things that if feel an overwhelming appreciation for. Like for example i was in hospital and got out for a few hours and got ben and jerrys icecream. as i tasted the first bit on the icecream cone i began to cry then i laughed then i cried some more. That icecream tasted heavenly and i felt so lucky to be tasting it. To you that might sound like the first signs of going insane  (probably is haha) but truthfully i know life can be taken from me at any minute and i treasure the smallest things that i enjoy. Until you Know your life is short you may never feel the way i feel towards things and experiences.

My second tearful time came when i got to see Billy Connolly live just the other day. As a child he was my first ever comedian i was allowed to watch. I loved how he told stories, how i became focused and drawn to them. I then grew to love his series when he traveled around the world,Australia tour, new zeland and my favourite route 66. That is why if i am lucky enough to have a transplant and be allowed to travel i would like to travel route 66. Billy captured it magically even though those diners or tourist attractions may seem minor to some they looked so appealing to me probably partly how Billy delivered it. Billy connolly makes me think of my childhood, happy christmas memories when i would receive his DVDs, trips to the carboot sale on a sunday where i would spend my pocket money on his tapes,videos and books. Or when i got my first MP3 player and i downloaded live recordings of his stand up that i could listen to in the school playground whilst laughing away to myself and knowing it word for word. I loved the fact he was a fellow celtic fan and i often seen him from afar at celtic park. So growing up i have forever been a fan as many others will be too but when i heard he was ill i kind of didnt want to make a fuss about it, I done something i never do and dismissed illness. To me Billy connolly was someone who i could escape whilst watching or listening to he made me forget about being ill and lifes worries.

Few years ago i tried to get tickets to see him but they sold out too soon. So when the opportunity came up this time i was certain i would NOT let this slip by me. This had to be ticked off my to do list. So as he walked out onto the stage through the curtain i was so shocked i could not believe he was right there. I was going to hear him tell me his stories. And i began to cry quietly. For the first 15mins i couldnt take it in not fully even listening to what he was saying. He did say when he came on "aw you are only cheering coz i am no well" haha. After that i got fully involved and was in my glory. I kept checking my phone knowing the end was nearing and he began to say his goodbyes and took a final bow. Everyone stood up and cheered and i began to cry again. I was so happy i got to see such a talented and clever man. It was a dream come true!

Its up to you how you see life....its up to you if you want to allow things to get you down but its also up to you to make a change if you are not happy...

People say life is short .... it isnt its just we waste time making the wrong choices ( Naomi MacIver)

Words to describe me.

I forgot that before i began writing my blog i had posted a status on facebook asking people to describe me with one word.
Today i had a notification via an app called Timehop that reminded me of this post. So i can finally add what people said onto my blog.
Inspirational : Liam Essex , Linzi Smith, Lindsey Wright, Lauren Norman , Leanne Walmsley, Callum Carberry , Linda Mellon
Awesome : Bill Gray
Bubbly : Kirsty Dalgleish , Jean Adams
Crazy : Stacey Hughes
Unique : Linzi Hunter , Rachel Watson
Sunshine : My Mum ( Lizzie Young)
Inspiring : Claire Drummond
Fighter : Tommy Welch
Brave : Gail Bell
Remarkable : Audrey Myychreest
Fiesty : Ross Millar
Unbelievable : Alana Taylor
Irreplaceable : Chris Palmer
Best : Michelle Dobbie
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious : Christine Finlayson
Special : Joanne Taylor
Courageous : Margaret Blyth

My friend Anders

June 2013 i received a friends request online from a guy named Anders whom i had seen comment on various woman statuses that i speak with online who too have cystic fibrosis.

We began chatting just like i do with a lot of cystic fibrosis sufferers i meet online. Sharing our past experiences, our treatment schedules and also discovered we were both waiting on a lung transplant from freemans hospital. Anders had been put on the waiting list a couple months before i had.
Our long chats online became frequent. We realised we had A LOT in common. We realised that we had the same sense of humour as well as the same outlook and appreciation of life. Anders had a way with words which can be seen as cheeky but i soon began to realise that was just him. His choice of words were words i probably wouldnt have let anyone else away with but for some reason i found it acceptable from Anders.

We both had a love for our cats. Anders had 3 and i have one. He said he would send me pics of his cats. So we exchanged phone numbers. From then everyday we chatted via txt and an app called whats app. Sending pictures of our crazy cats.

Anders began this thing called "gift of the day" which meant he got all his fans ;) to send him gifts whether it be humorous,thoughtful, free items he didnt mind. So he asked me are you going to send me something and i thought offt do i have to haha! But then i thought this will be fun. I knew he liked the sweet shop in Stirling even though he was from Glasgow he was aware of it. So i picked a few old school fav sweets, i got a novelty pair of socks, a magnet about cats and a chocolate plaque from thortones. Once he received it in the post he posted it on facebook like he did all the others. He then said he would find things to send to me. However i was on home antibiotics but i had got more ill. We would be texting everyday and he would be making sure i was ok. Eager for me to go back to hospital to get checked out. I knew i was really ill and went in and ended up staying for a week. And that was the time i had to be put on Bipap machine ( non invasive ventilator) to help breathe for me as my lungs really werent holding up well. His texts kept me cheery whilst in hospital.
Once i got home there was a parcel waiting for me which contained gifts from Anders presents that i will hold onto dearly. Pictures below!
Anders often shared his views on transplant with me and his fears. Our fears were closely similar. I understood him so well. I understood things that frustrated him. I understood his love for life and people. I understood his love for kids. I understood his love for concerts. He said Going to a concert is one of the things i can still do that cystic fibrosis cant get in the way. And the buzz from the crowd and atmosphere made him feel alive. So we would chat for hours about concerts we had been to.

So basically after texting for a few months we began skyping (video chatting). It was one of the first calls that Anders asked what was behind me on my wall. And i explained i had only had it up since April and it is Bob Marley Lyrics " Dont worry about a thing , coz every little thing is gonna be alright" and he was like Lisa i lost a friend called Clare with CF (cystic fibrosis) back in April who i cared a lot about and she was also waiting on a transplant. And at her funeral was that song, how freaky is that! Talking about our thoughts on death and funerals became a frequent thing. It was one night he shared songs with me one being what was at his friend Clare which is called 'Long live the queen'



Whilst i listened to this i cried on skype to Anders and i said "Anders this is so me". I now want this at my funeral and he said i thought you would like it.
There was another night on skype and he asked if i collected anything and i said yeah Cows. He then in shock went no way!! He explained that Clares mum collected Cows and after she passed away he met Clares mum and gave her a new cow to add to her collection whilst telling her how much Clare meant to him.
Together we both began to think his friend Clare had brought us together, there were too many things that made us think this. He said he found it really difficult after she passed and it was as if i helped fill that gap and provide him what Clare once did. This will forever comfort me.
Anders and i would send another couple things in the post, he sent a homemade CD, i sent to him Plop top trumps (pictures below) and he also sent me a elf xmas hat. These things i will cherish. Anders once chose to write about me in one of his blog posts in which he just complete rips into me haha slagging me like he normally done :P.

 http://gibboswondrousworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/whats-alternative-comedy.html

The above link is what he had written the day after my birthday. As you can see from this he was a very intellegent and funny guy. Feel free to read his other blog posts.

Anders also was a stand up comedian which he would do stand up in small comedy clubs in glasgow. I only ever got to see a short clip on him on stage via facebook. Comedy is something i love, i have seen a huge variety of comedians and have went to local comedy clubs. I was fascinated in his comedy work and the way he told stories would have me in fits of laughter which ended up in a coughing fit helping to clear my chest which was also good. Often on skype we would both do our intravenous antibiotics. Doing this at home alone can be very draining and reminds you of how sick you are, but chatting to one another whilst we done this took those negative thoughts away.
Another thing Anders and I had in common was our love for football. He knew i was a Celtic fan and i would often slag him for supporting Partick Thistle. We would watch match of the day at the same time and text eachother about what we watched. We both loved the atmosphere at football and how you can forget about everything whilst you are cheering on your team. We also would discuss how sometimes our health stopped us from going to football games especially in the cold weather.

Anders sadly passed away on the 19th of May which was 6weeks after he received his double lung transplant. His new lungs would not begin to work on their own and Anders body became weak. This is something we both new was a possibility but to be honest i never thought it would. Anders had to much to live for whether it have been charity work, his friends and family or his comedy. I did want to go to Newcastle to meet him and say not only a goodbye but a hello. However i did not want to take away the time his family had left with him. This has not put me off transplant as i know these things are possible and i know Anders knows how important taking this chance is. For taking this chance he was courageous and strong just like a tiger.

You are maybe wondering why i have never mentioned a time that we met. That is because we never got to. When you have CF you arent allowed to mix with others with  CF as we carry harmful infections in our lungs that to an normal person wouldnt do any harm but to another CF person can be fetal. So we often spoke about the future, that once we both had health new lungs we would THEN be able to meet. I will never ever ever get over the fact i never got to meet Anders in person HOWEVER i will be forever grateful that he was my friend and for everything he gave me! His spirit, his giggle , his charisma will forever live on in my heart. People say never live with regret but i do have a regret that i never told Anders i loved him. I hope he knew how much he meant to me.

Today there was memorial held in Glasgow to remember Anders. His family religion is Quaker so this service was different than what i have ever attended. Children were welcome and bright colours were to be worn. The memorial started with a friend with a guitar...she began to sing "Long live the Queen" the song i mentioned above. I began to cry. But as i did i mouthed along the words. During the memorial people stood up with a mic and shared memories of Anders and what he meant to them. They were all beautiful and touching. Between each person chatting there was then a few minutes silence of remembrance. Also what i found comforting was at the end of the memorial to signify the end people around you shake each others hands and hug one another. One man who stood up and spoke then played a piece of music which had no songs just a lovely melody. During this Anders neice and nephews stood in the Isle of church throwing their soft teddies into the air along were dancing. This was unplanned as they are only little and to see this during such a sad but happy time was amazing! I know Anders would have loved the turn out, the contributions and the lovely words.

The game i sent Anders, we managed to play it together on video chat.He often chatted about poo which was my reasoning for this gift.

The gifts Anders sent me i love drinking my morning cuppa out of my celtic mug.

Anders often liked to get his face painted as a tiger. So a week after his passing i decided for the first time in over 10 years i would get my face painted in memory of him.

Anders telling me he didnt have a shit after he hung up the phone from me haha,before going for his first call for transplant.

The first call Anders called me to say what was happening. The "thanks for being there" i will always remember.

Another time we discussed our future meeting.

One of our plans of meeting after transplant :(

We feel Clare brought Anders and I together he was my transplant waiting buddy. I now will get those lungs for him.

The list of songs in the CD Anders sent me that i will listen to in my car forever more.

The first time Anders got his call for lungs which unfortunately never went ahead.

Another time Anders and I discussed meeting one day.

The gifts i bought Anders minus the sweets.

At a stand still.

This isnt attention seeking this is solely just me airing my thoughts.

My good friend Anders has just received his double lung transplant which means i am one step closer in meeting him. I am not allowed (not supposed to) to meet others with Cystic fibrosis or people who have had transplant until i have had mine as my lungs hold bad bugs that can be harmful to them. So all thats left now is for me to receive my lungs so i can mix with my friends that i chat with over the internet.

However lately i have been feeling a bit pissed off and frustrated at this waiting on lungs Never thought i would say that but i cannot plan my life, i cannot do things i want to do or achieve things i want. I feel stuck. People out there have their whole life ahead of them. I am never envious of others however i am sometimes disheartened at my own situation. They can go holidays, have children, can apply for courses colleges or even universities ...whatever they please as the world is their oyster. For me i cannot and its started to feel like a monkey on my back.

Yes i claim benefits, get a car and a flat but thats not what i want..... i am trapped nothing else just burdened with the fact thats all i have material things. Thats not what i long for.... i desire memories, love, future, to travel the world, gain experiences, reach goals and achievements!! Material things are nothing. They are just there during my existence, they are not there to complete my being.

I want to work. I want to have a job where i am helping others and not only get paid but gain satisfaction. To know i have earned my bank balance. To say well i can do this for X amount of months then I will move onto that. To work towards something is an INCREDIBLE opportunity whatever shape or form it may be. I want that option.

Whilst i am Facebook mainly i see peoples achievements whether it be loosing weight, to stop smoking, starting college, raising their children and teaching them new life skills, doing walks/runs for charity. I feel overly proud for them for 2 reasons.....1) that they have been granted the opportunity in the first place and have resources to do so and 2) they TOOK the opportunity!


Is it really greedy for me to ask for more....is it really ungrateful for you to not aim higher?

Haley Cropper cancer story on Coronation street

I have been following the story of Haley Croppers cancer story on coronation street and i feel it bas been aired beautifully despite the fact i would not carry out a suicidal death with my illness. However i do believe each to their own.

During some of the episodes Haley would talk about the future with her not in it, i found that amusing as i do the same to friends and family and mostly do it in a humorous way. I feel i do this to show them i am not scared and that its ok and important talk about it. I do get mixed reaction just like Haley did.
Haley also decided to plan her funeral, that myself I have also done. She took Roy to the funeral parlour to discuss her wishes and Roy found this extremely difficult which is very much understandable. When i went to the funeral parlour, i went alone as i didnt want to put my loved ones through any necessary stress. And yes i did cry when i began to talk however i pulled myself together and knew what i was doing was ok. I actually got excited over some of the options available. Some people may see that as obscure, but i myself find it completely sensible as why shouldnt you have a choice over your last wishes, why should I  leave it to my loved ones to struggle and ponder over. You get to plan everything else in your life or at least you SHOULD its your life so you live it as you wish. I am not saying i think all people should plan their funeral but at least make some decisions especially when you are well, it will be more clearer then. The funeral director did also shed a tear that day and said i was very brave. But i try not to live in fear,i say try as i do not always succeed.

Haley also then began saying her goodbyes, saying things like remember to wear sun cream and hats to her husband. All those important things she would say if still living a long life. I touched on myself doing such things in my previous blog post. She also spoke about how young kids in her life and how she wouldn't get to see them grow up. again this is a thought that crosses my mind often. So when she spoke during these episodes i empathised fully with her. And i was constantly reminded of the pain and hurt that mainly her husband Roy was experiencing.

The thing i learned from this story line was.....No matter how much i prepare my friends and family for a life without me in it , i cannot and will not be able to protect them from pain or grieving.

This is something i am going to have to live with and come to terms with. All i want is for them to not suffer but truthfully i cannot control this. And to see Haley passing away and the pain in Roys eyes really got to me, she done everything in her power but when she was gone he would still feel and endless amount of grief.


A very deep blog but i feel i had to express my empathy with the story line and share my own experience on the matter. What i am saying is all i can do is be there for people now. I do not know what is around the corner,i may live many years yet. However i have thought it all through and i try and do whats best for myself and everyone around me.

Peace out from

The Little One ;)